Methods You Can Use to Avoid a Power Struggle!

A power struggle occurs when two people each want a situation to work out their way at the exclusion of the other person's desires. To put it another way, it is a situation in which each person attempts to exert power and control over the other person in order to get what they want. This is a situation in which you 'lock horns' with your child over some issue. For instance, you want Jill to go to bed right now, but Jill doesn't want to. She wants to keep playing. But you need her to go to bed now or your nightly routine will be thrown off and you were hoping to get a little extra sleep. So you tell Jill again that it is time to go to bed and Jill becomes more defiant and refuses. What we have here is the making of a power struggle.

Power struggles can be very detrimental to relationships when they become a commonplace occurrence. But these situations happen more often than we would like to admit. So what is a parent to do in order to avoid the pitfalls of these damaging situations? In the normal course of everyday life, power struggles are usually a win-lose proposition. Usually someone wins because the other person backs down or relinquishes his or her control over the situation. One person gains power and one person loses power. Is there a way to make a power struggle a 'win-win' situation?

If we look closely at the above example with Jill and her mother, there are a few different ways to handle this situation so that each person gets what they want. Unfortunately, many parents at this point refuse to recognize that they are getting locked into a power struggle and only want to make their will happen (now!). So this type of parent will resort to doing whatever it takes to get their child to bed, even if it ends up taking an hour (or longer) and many harsh words and upset emotions to make that happen. This can be avoided in different ways.

1. If you need your child to do something and he or she is actively engaged in a game or some other task, always give them a time warning. Say something like: "Jill, it is time to get ready for bed. You have ten minutes to finish what you are doing." This way you haven't given up control of the situation. In fact you have given Jill the opportunity to control her own behavior. Most often, when a child or teen is given this 'extra' time, they will make the right decision and finish up and go get ready for bed. The mother has only given up ten extra minutes and has avoided a fight with Jill.

2. If you find yourself in a power struggle with your child, then simply re-iterate your expectation and walk away. Do not engage in the verbal bantering. Walk away! Allow your child some time to make a decision without engaging in a war of words and wills. I have found that it is extremely rare that the child, given some time to think and cool off, will make a bad decision. They will normally follow your expectations.

3. Offer alternatives, either positive or negative. In the above example, the mother could say: "Jill, I need for you to get ready for bed. If you decide not to do that soon, then you will lose that game for a week." At this point the mother has told Jill her expectations and can walk away and allow Jill to decide whether to push this situation further or to keep her game for the coming week.

4. Admit that you blew it! In the above example, the mother could say: "Jill, I am sorry that I didn't plan your bed time well tonight. I really need for you to get ready for bed soon. I will do my best to give you more warning in the future." This is very hard for a lot of us to do. We don't like to admit that we made a mistake. But your child will hear this a whole lot better than: "If you don't go to bed right now, you will be grounded for the rest of your life!"

5. Take a moment to decide whether or not this is a situation that you have to win. Perhaps you are beginning to argue and power struggle over a very trivial matter and your winning is really only about power and control. If this is the case, then just drop it.

As parents, we all make mistakes. It just goes with the territory. But engaging in power struggles is a mistake that can most often be avoided. One has to learn to recognize early that they are getting locked into a power struggle. And then one needs to be able to gracefully get themselves out of that situation without causing harm or damage to the relationship. It is totally unrealistic for us to think that a child or a teen will be able to back down in a power struggle. It is up to the adult to make the right decision in this instance. The above examples work. Be creative and look for alternatives other than the need to simply enforce your will. This helps to build and strengthen the relationship between parent and child.